Austin James: Playing for His Life (Entry 40)

It had been a slow go down I-95, with the snow slowing everything by 20
miles and hour at least. Austin had found some good radio on the way
down and was enjoying some Beatles, Stones and Zeppelin as he surveyed
his surroundings with caution, never knowing what fools would be
reckless in the poor conditions.

He felt strange, almost guilty, that he was so excited to be out on his
own. His parents would be alone in the house for the first time in more
than 20 years. That would probably take some getting used to. Or they
might celebrate…and, after imagining how they might do that, Austin
changed mental tracks.

He drove by the Traxlers’ house when he left home. He wanted to pull
Michael outside and lay into him for what he said to Austin that day,
and to defend his father’s honor as well. He circled the block three
times, and ultimately decided to bypass the confrontation. His leaving
was about exactly this, moving on. His father didn’t need his
protection, and deep down he understood where Traxler’s rage was coming
from. And that being the case, there was nothing else to say.

In South Jersey, Austin pulled off for a rest stop. He relieved himself
and went to grab a burger and Coke. He felt like he was starving, a pit
in his stomach he wasn’t sure was from hunger or nerves. He looked
around, people watching as he often did. On the line next to him was a
girl: athletic, attractive with a patch of freckles across her nose and
under her eyes. He had no intention of approaching her, but she
reminded him that in his haste to leave he never said goodbye. And
Angie deserved that much.

Like so many teen relationships, there were big problems tied to small
things, miscommunications run amok and a failure to deal with things in
a meaningul, honest way. But at the heart of it all, Angie was a
wonderful girl who Austin loved…truly loved. And that scared him. And
he knew it.

He was running around all summer chasing this dream, and all Angie
wanted was to be with him. All the time. When he was gone, he missed
her terribly. But when he was home, he felt he needed to work at his
craft, and she came second…a distant second.

It was easier to cut ties than to try and work through it. He wouldn’t
let her work through it with him, wouldn’t let her understand, because
he wouldn’t talk about it…couldn’t talk about it without guilt
overcoming him. He loved her and he put her second all the time,
because he felt he had to. She deserved better than that, and rather
than telling her this was how he felt and letting her decide what she
wanted, he ended it.

When he’d lay awake at night thinking about his future…the chaos over
the draft lottery, the saga with the Mets, where he’d end up…thoughts
of Angie would intermittently splice into his consciousness.

She deserved better. And, with him leaving, she sure as hell deserved goodbye.

On the third “Can I help you,” Austin snapped to attention and placed
his order. The girl next to him grinned, thinking she was the object of
his thoughts, or thoughtlessness, at the moment. She wasn’t…she just
directed his head to Angie.

Order in hand, Austin headed back to the car. He pulled to a section
where the gas pumps were to fill the tank. He reached into the glove
box and grabbed the envelope his father had left for him.

$500

Austin stared at the cash, sticking out wrapped in a single sheet of tablet paper.

We love you, Dukes

Reading that rather than hearing it made Austin realize, for the first
time, just how far from home he was heading. And on the heels of his
thoughts about Angie, love…any kind of love…suddenly felt very far
away.

Leave a comment